Donald Trump

I've been away, busy playing golf. So much golf. Love golf. Had to end meals on wheels to pay for my trips to play golf, That's how much golf there has been. We have the best golf courses in the world it's true. The best

I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society, and my hand.

All you journalists that I don't like, just remember, I have friends in high places. High places. like Russia! Russia is way up there. Great country. Watch your backs!

ExxonMobil and I had a great time today. Great company. We're so in tune we wrote the same press release! Word for word! Sure the the investments in the Gulf Coast region actually started in 2013, but we're great friends

I knew it! My phones were tapped! But not because of my late night date calls to Putin, it's because Obama fancies me. It's true. I have so many admirers. Obama was jealous! He was jealous.

Ted Lieu is being mean to me. He said I should spend less time on my phone and more on intelligence reports! He would say that... because he's an immigrant! AND from California! Californian immigrants are the worst!

Today I was thinking about how so many Americans love me. They should hold another rally! Everyone should get together and praise me, the king of America! It would be the best rally, it's true. You'd love it.

We have created. 15,000 new positions in immigration enforcement. It's a great effort. We will rid the USA of illegal immigrants. You're gonna love it. We'll have the best immigrant disposal system in the world. It's true

I've said it before. I don't need to attend intelligence briefings because I'm like a smart person. It's true. I'm really really smart.

Ok, so it wasn't a paper. I saw it on Fox News. Fox news is the only source you can trust. It's true. I have the entire intelligence community at my disposal, but I choose fox news. Great news show.

Now Sweden is upset with me? It was an alternative fact. Fake news! I was handed a paper. I've been to Sweden, great country. Love Sweden. ABBA is one of my favorites. Money money money... it's funny

Look at what's happening last night in Sweden! Sweden! Nothing happened, but alternatively there was an attack! Ok I made that up. But terrorist attack! Sweden! Germany! Refugees!

Craig Deare, YOU'RE FIRED! AHAHAA This is a great show. I love this show. I can fire anyone who criticises me. How dare they. I am the best king America has ever had!

Huge party in Florida today. billions attended. Great party. I got to tell everyone how nasty the media is to me, and great I still am. everyone loved it and believed me!

Boeing make great air-planes. It's true. The old ones still look great. 30 years old and still looking great, unlike some women I know, and I know a lot of women. So many women. All great under 30.

Michael Flynn resigned today. I told him he had to because he loves some Russian guy more than me. The only one allowed to love Russians is me! Russians are great. Great people. Best clubs.

King Shinzō from Japan played golf with me today. Who knew running a country was so easy! We decided the future of the world over drinks in the club house. He's a great king. I think he likes me.

I chatted with the China king today Xi Jinping. Great king. He said we should keep the One China Policy, so we will. It was really my idea after he gave it to me.

My Cabinet is full! really great people, all friends of mine, All rich. You'll love them. We have the best cabinet in US history. I'm a great king. And rich.

Betsey DeVos is a great woman Tremendous. The best thing for an education minister is to have no experience. Everyone knows this. It's really great. She'll do well. She donated so much to us.

The world is in trouble! I'm putting everyone in time-out until I sort it out. After Golf. I'm a great golfer. Tremendous handicap.

Some dumb refugee deal between Australia and my country. I hung up on king Rumball. or Trumball. I am the least anti-kangaroo person you have seen in your entire life. It's true. I love Steve Irwin. He's really great.

YOU'RE FIRED! Sally yates, You're fired. Anyone else who can't defend the king's orders? Fired! you're fired! I love this show.

Aww everyone is saying boo hoo about my travel bans. It's too late to ban people from countries with terrorists who have attacked us, but not too late for countries that have never attacked us!

Those Syrian refugees running from terrorists? I banned them today. No more refugees. They have seen terrorists, so they might become terrorists. I'm such a great King.

The queen of England Theresa May came over to see me today. I moved on her and I failed. I'll admit it. She's not really my type but I took her out furniture shopping. It was great.

I'm so happy the king of mexico didn't come over today, I didn't want to see him anyway! he said he won't pay for the wall! it's ridiculous. We eat their food, it's not fair!

I'm such a clever king. I'm going to get the Mexicans to pay for a wall by making Americans pay more tax for their products! then when the Mexicans hand over the tax it will be... wait...

I'm so excited! Today I started the pipeline again. It's a great pipeline, It's gonna be so big It's really great. It's tremendous. Climate change is fake news, because only scientists say it's true.

No TPP! No more hiring! No aid to abortions overseas! You're fired!
I'm so good at being king, it's true. I'm a great king.

Yay, it was my inauguration day yesterday! We have the best days. It's true. Everyone in America showed up to see me. The biggest crowd ever. It was Amazing, it's true

#womensmarch was supposed to happen today, but it's fake news. We have the best women. Women are pouring into the streets to celebrate me, because I'm really great. I'm such a great king I'm the best

Yay! I'm King of America! I'm tremendous!